Marriage is a commitment. In a culture where divorce is
common and acceptable, what does it mean to make a commitment? What is the commitment of marriage and why do
people want it?
Love. What is
love? Perhaps: Respect. Equality.
Being open to understanding, open to compromise, open to personal growth
for the happiness of the ones you love.
I've outlined 3
concepts regarding what I consider to be fundamentally important about marriage:
1--a personal
journey of growth
2--social
harmony and politics
3--our future
as humanity
The Personal Journey of Growth
It's one thing to work on oneself at a slow easy comfortable personal
private pace. It's another thing to be confronted (by someone you respect
deeply) about your imperfections. Marriage is a commitment to compromise, towards the highest self...because
on our own, we aren't challenged to grow, at least not nearly as strongly as
we're challenged when confronted with a person who is bound to us, who sees our
strengths and weaknesses, our good side and our failings on a daily basis.
Being married to another person, to me, is a promise to confront oneself, in
the mirror of the other...respectfully, from a place of agreed upon equality.
Social Harmony, Politics, and Government
Along those
same lines, living as a member of society requires many compromises for the ultimate
end of social harmony and civilization. We all need to respect each
other, at least to a minimal degree, in order to achieve civilization. With
each marriage as a microcosm of respect, the whole community is a macrocosm of
respect. Marriage is beneficial, on the social level, in that each small
microcosm of respect keeps respect fresh and alive. Each marriage, when
intentionally held in a place of mutual respect, love, and equality, helps comprise
the greater macrocosm of social respect, well-being, and harmony. So,
when society doesn't respect a marriage between two people that want social
harmony, society is only shooting itself in the foot by degrading the macrocosm
of social respect. On the other hand, when society shows respect,
support, and love for two people that want to be a part of macro social
harmony, then the whole system registers a higher frequency of love and
harmony. The system reinforces itself from both directions. Just as each microcosm strengthens the
macrocosm, the group strength of the macrocosm supports each constituent microcosm
comprising the whole.
Our Future, the Future of Humanity
In an
environment of micro and macro respect, healthy adults often discover in themselves a weird and compelling
desire to care for and mentor new humans, creating a group otherwise known as
"a family". This usually turns out best when it doesn’t
happen by mistake. And isn’t it a beautiful statement to humanity that a family
is not defined solely by genetics? Even couples who find themselves unable to biologically
reproduce, nevertheless often desire to give back to the greater good in the
way of parenting adopted children. It shows me a very positive thing about
human nature. I really believe that healthy humans want to do good, want to
teach love, and want to give of themselves simply for the happiness of others.
That is a very beautiful thing. So, marriage, to me, also is for the
future generations. Marriage provides support and context for a healthy
environment in which to nurture new humans.
You bring up a lot of good questions here, Halcyon8. I think there are many things that could be discussed, but I'll just go with my initial focus after reading it. I think it mainly has to do with what you say here, "Each marriage, when intentionally held in a place of mutual respect, love, and equality, helps comprise the greater macrocosm of social respect, well-being, and harmony."
ReplyDeleteI think marriage means being joined by desire of commitment, not simply "desire" in this world, because we are still learning and imperfect. Sometimes what we desire may change from day to day and this is not good for society, or for the individuals to continually live that way. Something good is gained through the commitment of marriage; a stability for children, and our friends, family, society, and our opportunity for unselfish personal growth. We want something more than living according to our whims can provide for us. It would be nice if we were so perfected that a perfect "divine marriage" could take place. That is, where two halves come together and desire that union because of the perfect harmony of their beings. Because they are perfected, their desire would never be challenged, fail, or be absent, ever. In that case, a "commitment", would not really be necessary, but would be implicit. That is the ideal which we hope to imitate through our commitment of marriage, and thus share in the goods of that ideal.
It is the intention of the two persons, the desire to become joined freely in commitment which is binding and cannot be broken. I take this "desire for commitment" and mutual decision to bind yourself in the commitment freely with a certain person (weather a lot of physical attraction is involved, or the marriage is more of an arrangement with the free choice of the people involved to be joined in this commitment) to be this joining of God, "what God has joined together, let no man put asunder,"(Mt. 19:6). And not the superficial ceremony or official words of the priest or, the words spoken by the couple during the ceremony. It is the intention behind all of that (I'm not saying that those things aren't good). This is why the Catholic Church allows for annulments of marriage. An annulment really means that a marriage never took place. A ceremony took place, people said words, and there was a party, but come a number of years later, they get an annulment, and we are told that they were never really "married".
This is why, when people choose to view things like marriage in a very mundane way, nothing makes sense anymore. People degrade marriage saying that marriage has to do with superficial qualities and appearances. For example, a man and a woman could get married in the church. They could have kids and stay married for life, but let's say the man never really respected the woman and does not treat her well, and the woman likewise does not love her husband, and then the children are affected badly by their parents' relationship. Doesn't this harm our view of marriage? The children see their parents and may say, "I am not getting married. That's what God wants? For us to live like my parents?" Then what if two people are not married in the church, or even married at all, but they act as if they are "married", that is, they are in a loving commitment? Which relationship is better for the children, society and the idea of marriage finally? What are the fruits of the "marriage"? The fruits of true marriage are not just children, anyone can have children, the fruits of marriage are the love and goodness, which flow from the relationship of the committed union and the sincere desire of the couple to serve one another, their children, family, and society.
I think a spiritual "true" understanding of marriage, and the respect and support of this kind of relationship, is what really builds up society and is the good of the family.