I hardly know how to express in words what I want to say.On the one hand, I believe that for me, Leaven, to be alive, is to be a hidden agent of transformation, "Through, With and In" the living Bread that we call the Christ, and whom we believe is One Being with the Living God.
On the other hand, I often have moments of questioning, what does it mean to be who I am? Who is this consciousness that I identify as me? How will it exist apart from this physical body that I identify as my body? In a sense, I am aware that it already does exist apart from this body - sometimes body, mind and spirit feel very disconnected, in fact.
I have no answers, only questions and wonderings that arise again and again. I do believe that there is a "me" that will exist in a new way beyond the limitations of this body of flesh and bones. I belive it will be identifiable as "me" in new ways that don't depend on physical characteristics. Maybe by personality? By the quality of love that I hope will have come to fruition in me? This is my belief and my hope, and "Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen" (Heb. 11:1).
I can really identify with your question, Leaven, and I appriciate it. I find it so hard to be here sometimes in this world filled with hate. It is hard enough to not understand what we truly are and what is going to happen to us when we die. There is enough pain in this world without looking for it. I wonder why some people want to judge me for just trying to be an agent of love in the world. I don't want to judge anyone. It is bad enough already. I just want to get out of here and have everyone be happy. What is so wrong with that? I don't have any assurance that there is a God who loves me, or that there is a Christ that is coming into the world to make things right. I'm just choosing to hope in it. I don't want anything else but love. Even if the powers that be end up putting me in hell, I will still choose to love. If I was ever in contact with anybody I would do whatevet I could to make that person happy so, at least, someone else could be happy. And I would never give up hope that there was a God out there who loves me. I can't be in hell for etrnity. I can never reach eternity. There would always be more. I would always hope
ReplyDelete@Leaven: For someone who hardly knows how to put into words what she wanted to say, I think you expressed yourself quite eloquently!
ReplyDelete@Ember: Your remarks bring to my mind the words of St. John of the Cross: “Where there is no love, put love -- and you will find love.” To me this means that if you find yourself separated from God (hell) and choose to love anyway, you'll no longer be separated from God because God is Love. And if God is with you then you aren't in hell any more.
Ember and Querci - thank you for reminding me that as long as I choose to love, I am with God, who is Life, and I will not have to fear separation from God (hell) no matter what form my individual life will take, both here and hereafter.
ReplyDeleteLeaven, I think it's an interesting concept that our person will take on a new form in the afterlife. I like your ideas and hopes about what is to come.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking a lot about the questioning that you brought up. Certainly, it's a part of human nature that we don't have all the answers. It's always a trial for me when I feel confused by things that matter to me in life. What I have learned and now believe, is that every time I feel confusion, it's a sign to me of a way that I can get closer to God - God being truth and light. It brings me peace to ask God, "What do you want me to change?" It's also a good time for me to exercise hope and trust in God, rather than to be afraid, which God commands us not to be.
ReplyDeleteI think that in life we are always going through confusion and hopefully gaining clarity as we draw closer to God. I'm thankful for that path, even though it makes me feel emotionally uncomfortable to be confused sometimes. In the end, I know it's because God loves me so much, that he allows me to feel uncomfortable whenever I'm wrong. If he comforted me in falsehood just to make me feel good, that would not be loving.
Thanks for the opportunity for sharing!